DEPRESSION ~ Starts 2018

A quote, likely from, Jordan Petersen.  He has become important to my learning. Get busy. Get your personal space uncluttered. Be tidy. Know where everything is. Keep notes. She is good at being busy; this is deflection. She looks at the space. "It is ordered chaos," she tells the picture on the easel. She seldom knows exactly where things are, but they are filed. They are packed away. It is not important. They are eternal things; she can't look at it often. She can't call it anything except her remains. Notes. She keeps notes. Well, writing and art are notes. Occupational therapy, she calls it;   that bit of work between the marathon run, measured by her heartbeat; the only clock she trusts. The need for notes has been with her since 27-something.  It was the year of her awakening when life had no meaning without keeping some record.  It created meaning, she might have said, except she didn't think of it that way.  ...

When a woman makes it to CNN, and one has never heard of her, one must, "Go find!" As the lad says. One Story. The main road begins on top of a hill with a set of traffic lights. It slides down, ending in a serpent's tail-curl called, The Point. The speed limit is 40 Km/hr up the narrow road through town until midway up the hill leading to the serpent's head, the traffic lights, to finish the metaphor. To my left, a grey car ascends the hill. To my right, a big old truck edges towards the red traffic lights and hopes it will turn green. It doesn't. The truck stops. I judge the distance and speed of the grey car.  The light changes. The truck releases the brakes. I drove into the truck's lane.  The just moving truck changes gears.  He expects I shall move. We are on the same page, the truck and I. I turn to check the grey car. The driver inexplicably speeds up. The truck is coming closer too fast, but I can't risk jumping in front ...

So, here we are again. Keeping score of the mind, tracing the lines that are invisible to the eye, but essential, just the same. They tell me I am ill.  I am quite sure that if the medicine becomes unavailable I shall probably start going down the hill much like our go-cart in White River did, in 1950-something, which the young Shangan lads built with great skill and efficiency except they did not feel the need, or perhaps did not know how to design a steering or a brake mechanism.  When it went too fast or headed for rocks or tree trunks we all jumped off the racing tree product with glee, yelling and laughing all at once.  Yelling is something I have done. Once.  I do not wish to have that happen again. "Where are you going?" He asked. "China." We are all fraught with unexpected emotions.  It is not enough that our bloodlines bleed out, but the world, all the countries of the world, have to add to the worrisome ideas and conclusions that run about...

This is looking after me phase.  Unchartered territory. Survival strategies. Actions taken:- The specialist gave new medication - long term. Therapy ~ more meaningful than before. Perhaps because I am ready or desperate or I have found a good therapist or a combination of the three.) Actions to produce joy. 1. Knitting (I know! It sounds boring, but it is surprisingly comforting making things.) 2. Crocheting (Also not boring. Making up my own patterns. Progress good.) 3. Painting and drawing. (Spending more time drawing with some success. Practice does help.)  Exploring sculpting - early stages - starting with a seahorse I bought and am now going to finish off and make more durable and beautiful. 4. Writing. (Mostly notes from my studies of  The Zohar and reading other books) 5. Watching CNN. (Contradiction on the surface. However, it helps to know the state of collective consciousness.) 6. Planning holidays/trips. 6.1. Train journey to Durban to see thr...

Quote of the Day for June 16, 2018